Journal: Spiral

Moon waning gibbous 19.4  days, Aries – Fire. Time 19:40, planet hours: Mars.

I have been under attack for the past couple of days. I saw it coming. It is a lot like knowing that a storm is coming and that you prepare for it and ride it out. I do have some means of mediating relief of the attack, but it just hovers over you like a dark cloud. These events present an opportunity to test your resolve and endurance. Focus your attention back at it and see what you can find (twins).

I can remember when I was not aware of the source. It had a profound affect on my state of mind. That overbearing hopelessness and self-doubt can incapacitate you, like an anxiety attack that lasts for days. I feel for those that must endure these attacks without knowledge of its source. It is easy to succumb to that downward spiral when you are unable to see it any other way.

I will say again that I am supremely fascinated by it. Just knowing that some entity has a means to induce this feeling in another has captivated my attention on a completely different level this time. A parasite of consciousness of the lowest level consumed by its own negativity. I have to admit, it’s a pretty good trick.

I am split by the negative emotions while my unconscious quietly takes on the part of the observer. That unconscious component keeps me tethered and patient until it passes. I kind of get used to it, but when I do, it subsides. I surmise that parasites give up when you allow yourself to ignore them. I recite the “litany against fear” (Frank Herbert’s Dune) and chuckle when done.

litany

What brought this on? I am fighting back in more ways than before. It feels right to do more, now…

Thank you.

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