It has been three years since my arrival back to San Jose, CA. I was told that I would have to wait three years. It was a thought from some other worldly consciousness. I waited, wondering what would happen. I had a lot of time to think about it. I watched the days go by, some with great patience and many in absence of patience. I thought it would be over. Lay my weary he’d to rest and cry no more.
Well before the eve of the end of my waiting I felt something changing within me. I fought it at first. I welcomed it also. But, it was not until this day that I realized that I can no longer fight nor welcome it. I cannot have any other emotional or intellectual reaction to its presence. It is and that is all I can say about it.
I surmise that it has happened before. A sensation of change within one’s physical or spiritual self. Much like growing up as a child, a surge of sexual hormones, wisdom teeth or hair growing where there was once none. You notice the change and then accept it because it is part of the natural process. But, I can’t just write this one off as something that I may have been expecting because it is certainly unexpected and especially special.
The best way to describe this change is that something has taken root. Much like a viral infection that slowly transforms the physical self this is a viral infection of the spirt and of the conscious soul. I fear it in a way because I have forgotten what it was like to feel this way everyday. It is somewhat foreign and yet very familiar. It is growing within me with greater depth and breadth every passing moment. I can feel it coming over me and there is nothing I can do to stop it now.
I see it in the eyes of my family members. I seem to see it everywhere. It shines through the facade of our daily expressions and moods. Like a contagion, I feel it taking over. I feel it tightening its grip as I exhale. It’s forcing me to remember my past before I was filled with distrust, fear, depression and regret. Even though I have had moments of feeling something similar to this it did not last. This is different because it’s not going away. This is rooted in something far more substantial.
I want to call it love, but love cannot describe it. Contentment and bliss are close but fall short also. There is no word I am familiar with that is capable of explaining what I am experiencing. I feel it welling outward. Sometimes it reminds me of those familiar butterflies without the emotional constituent. All I can do is surrender to it. I don’t seem to have a choice – anymore.
Thank you Rose…